Strengthening the Foundation: Building a Stronger Relationship

Dive into the dynamics of relationships and uncover strategies for holding deeper connections.

From effective communication to nurturing trust and understanding, offering guidance on building a resilient and fulfilling relationship. Let's work together to strengthen the bonds that matter most to you.

Our happiness comes from our connections so here I am asking you to question yourself.

Are you spending time with people that make you shine?

Are you inspired by the people you spend time with?

Are you making memories or sacrifices?

In 20 years time will you show your child or grandchild a photo of you and be able to tell them you are proud of that person you are showing them in the photo?

Maybe from these questions you already have some connections come to mind that need addressing…

Have you ever tried a new approach to understand why your connection with someone is failing? Maybe you are trying to connect with your partner but the frustration gets too much to resolve the issue? Maybe you are confused by a friends decisions and you are struggling to have understanding? Maybe your boss can’t see your point of view and you want to give up? The list of maybes could go on… but my point is if you aren’t getting anywhere with the connection you want…

This is where my 3 C motto is a connection key you will want to use!

First make sure you are honest with yourself if you want this connection, the three C motto will not work if the connection should no longer exist.

Our happiness comes from all of our connections -

• Employee

• Employer

• Parent

• Child

• Sibling

• Partner

• Friend

The connection between you and all of the above comes down to the 3 fundamental C’s

• Communication

• Compassion

• Compromise

If you are questioning why you keep arguing, falling out, have conflicting conversations, feeling like you are two batteries repelling against eachother, I can guarantee to you this is happening because one of these things is lacking. Let me put here that you can’t expect these three things from anyone if you are not doing them. It is down to you to be honest with yourself and then with the person to nurture that relationship and allow it to evolve. You will either come out stronger or you will learn who you want to be connected to.

Let’s look at the different connections…

What’s a friend?

Someone you can relate to, rely on, who celebrates you, who cheers you on from the front line or side line, will be honest and want the best for you, who will be there in the highest moments of joy and the deepest time of darkness. A friend will chose you as much as you chose them. If there are other questions playing in your mind then your questions are answered. We have to allow ourselves to let go of those connections.

To help yourself let go of a connection you can start with asking yourself if you should end a friendship or can you let the friendship slip away?

When we evolve into a new period of life our wants and needs change too. As we grow into our new skin we must shed the old. The connections that are evolving with you will often do just that, stay with you but the ones that are not growing into their new skin will not be able to be part of this next period of life. That does not mean either have done anything to hurt eachother, it does not mean you don’t love eachother, it does not mean you can’t grow back together in the future. It just means this current phase of shedding is helping you let go of old to bring in the new, allowing you to grow.

The important thing to understand between ending a relationship and letting it slip is allowing yourself to let go. When we don’t let go we hold feelings/energy in which will hold you back, causing anxiety, confusion, depression. If you need to let a friendship slip this is because you know the love and care will always be there and if the person decides to shed their skin and grow you may one day come back together. Meaning the feelings of anxiety, confusion, depression will be less.

However when the feelings of anxiety, confusion, depression are heightened this is most likely because you have experienced trauma through that connection which is causing you pain. The trauma can often be unclear as it can be is disguised as love.

A few things to look out for…

• Is the friend celebrating your success/wins?

• Is the friend curious to know more about your life?

• Is the friend understanding of your choices, if not are they clear and honest of the reasons why?

• Does your friend challenge and encourage you to be your greatest self?

• Would you trust your friend in any room, with anyone to stand up for you?

If multiple of these questions don’t follow with a positive answer then this is more likely to be an unhealthy relationship that needs to end. I say multiple as sometimes we all do the odd thing here and there that makes us not perfect (we are all trying our best… we hope). The reason you have to end the unhealthy connections is because if you don’t let go, the trauma will stay within you.

This can lead to mental and physical health problems, other healthy connections being lost as you will pass the trauma on to others. Trauma is stored as energy with us and we only have two choices with what we do with that energy:

• Hold onto it causing pain, anxiety and depression

• Let it go, by making changes, disconnecting, setting boundaries, meditating to allow time to process the energy held in our bodies through thoughts and feelings

You will not be able to heal the trauma while still being connected to this relationship which is why as painful as it can feel you must end the relationship/suffering. The pain will come and go, it will fade over time but the anxiety and depression you feel if you stay connected will not do that. The longer you stay connected to the unhealthy relationship the stronger and more painful the anxiety and depression will feel. The focus of energy changes when we choose carefully who we are surrounded with.

To enrich our lives from connections we all need these types of friendships present:

• THE CHEERLEADER

The cheerleader is the person in your life who thinks you are amazing. They cheer you on and believe in everything you do.

• THE PUSHER

A pusher is someone who pushes you to be the best you can be. They make you question life, your choices and your direction.

• THE LOYAL COMPANION

This is the person who loves you and will always be there to hear what's on your mind; the good, bad and ugly. Having someone in your life that you know you can go talk with and won't judge or share your conversation is a must.

• THE ENERGISER

Energisers are those people who have an infectious zest for life. Not only are they optimistic but they encourage you to dream big. Energizers leave you laughing, inspired and filled with amazing positive energy.

If you have someone that gives you it all, hold them tight and share your gratitude, these are rare souls.

These connections are what have the capability of turning into strong relationships.

Life partners…

These relationships are tough, you are going to experience new chapters of life together, no longer being alone in your own thoughts and decisions. You are not only choosing to share love, support and protection. You are also choosing to share emotions, feelings and trauma. As you go through the new chapters of life you have to be willing to experience the old, current and new versions of each other as a partnership. Like a dance it requires a lead and follower, this has to flow in turn with one another depending on the movements being made, if one doesn’t want to join the dance then the music stops.

Without having the security that your partner is your cheerleader, pusher, loyal companion and energiser the energy in the relationship will start to fade. Spiralling into having no connection.

This usually comes when one is half there in your relationship or maybe even both parties are half in. A part of your thinking and focus is still at work? With the kids? On your phone? You have to have moments in time where all of your focus is on that connection with that person working together in the motion of a dance. Giving and taking energy as much form one side as the other, otherwise that energy within you will breakdown, burn out and leave you feeling alone.

To prevent this allow your partner in to see your vulnerabilities. Your relationship will challenge all of your vulnerabilities and that can make this difficult but it should challenge you. If you resist the challenges you are faced with you become complacent, suppressed, depressed.

When your vulnerabilities are shown, how your partner supports you will tell you everything you need to know. You will either find your shine or will feel even more in the darkness.

The darkness is not always sad, yes we have to allow ourselves time to grieve when we let go but by being shown the darkness shows you it is time to make change, showing you the path to take to find your own shine. When we share our vulnerabilities the people around us and ourselves see our worth as we takes steps down the new path.

If you have children this also reflects on them. Children are like sponges and they will learn more from your actions and what they see more than anything else.

By nurturing yourself and your own relationships this teaches your children to do the same.

Teaching your children they are capable of whatever they put there mind to, helping and guiding them towards their strengths, encouraging fear to face challenges will be the best thing you can gift your child. Something that will be impossible for you to do if you don’t do this yourself. Your kids will watch and learn. You are their guide, as they get older they naturally build a team of guides; friends, teachers, other parents, influences. It is down to you to know who you are deep down, showing your child who they should surround themselves with.

Transferring the look on this as if you were the child. As you evolve from looking at your parent as a guide you look for your guide in a deep connection with another. You can only start this journey when you have evolved from being a child. This means becoming your own person without needed that parent as a guide. Yes you will always need the connection of a parent but as you become your own person, they become a friend. The best type of friend that has taught you everything you know, positive or negative. Be grateful for how they taught you to act and how they taught you not to act because without this gratitude your struggle will be to understand the person you truly are.

Reading this you my be thinking; ‘but they hurt me’, ‘they don’t deserve it’, ‘what do i have to be grateful for’ and you may even be judging me right now for what I wrote - telling you to be grateful. Let me challenge that thought process…

When we don’t have gratitude, we have judgement.

You may be judging your; parent, friend, family member.

Let yourself sit and listen to that judgement you are making.

Do you know what you are thinking is true?

If not, give yourself time to understand where the assumptions and judgments are coming from?

Allow yourself to observe yourself, your thoughts and others.

Ask yourself what the judgement is giving you?

Without communication of truths the judgement often comes from assumptions which is where the truth often becomes morphed because of the lack of effective communication.

Are you part of this or are you investing in your learning to communicate effectively?

Due to the lack of connection we have in our society we are at a point where we are the most disconnected with not only others but also ourselves. We feel more stress than ever because of the stress we are putting ourselves under from not living in communities. The lack of communication and connection with others is causing a level of stress never seen before. If you feel anxious, if you have money worries, if you feel alone, the only way to stop these feelings is to communicate to make change. This comes from having and letting your community into your life and thoughts. This enhances the gratitude we feel for others, having understanding for one another. Less judgement, more compassion. Our happiness comes from our connections and individually we are responsible for the connections and feelings we have based off of our choices.

So together in this community how can we be more connected?

Start by questioning

• What does not communicating my feelings achieve?

• What is this important to you, that makes you want to make this change to feeling this way?

• What are the effects of keeping stress to yourself?

Adapting

• From the questioning we will then reframe our mind which may already have a change on your feeling but it will allow you to process the thought of sharing your feelings to then make change.

Evolving

• This will allow you to evolve. As i said we never used to try and go at life, processing experiences, stress, pressure all on our own. Sharing it will allow you to evolve while preserving your health.

The more you are vulnerable, the more you can share, the more you will get out of life.

In every form of relationships it is important to know you worth and to challenge yourself on your decisions and choices you are making. Ask yourself if your choices are yours or to please external factors… Do you identify as a people pleaser?

Often people pleasers struggle to embrace acceptance and validation from others preventing them from being vulnerable. If you are someone that can relate here is some food for thought…

Self-Acceptance -

Recognise your own worth and acknowledge that your needs and desires matter just as much as anyone else's. Embrace your strengths and imperfections while showing yourself compassion.

Set Boundaries -

Learn to say "no" when necessary and understand that it is okay to prioritise your own needs and well-being. Setting boundaries is not selfish. It is an act of self-respect.

Seek Support -

Connecting with others who can guide and support you can be highly beneficial for people pleasers. Speaking with a professional or joining a support group where you can share your experiences and learn from others who may have similar challenges will help validate your feelings.

Identify the Root Causes -

Reflecting on the reasons behind your tendencies can help you gain a deeper understanding of yourself. Try and recognise any underlying fears or insecurities, identifying these can help you to work through them and develop healthier beliefs & behavior patterns.

Practice Assertiveness -

Learning to express your thoughts, feelings and needs is a crucial skill for people pleasers. It involves communicating with respect and consideration for others while also standing up for yourself and what you believe in. Assertiveness can help you find a balance between pleasing others and honoring your own values. This will help you have a greater understanding of your deeper connections.

Celebrate Progress -

Recognise and celebrate your achievements. Changing deeply ingrained patterns takes time and effort. You will want to give in to old ways. Be patient and kind to yourself. Setting healthy boundaries will be a significant change in your healing and growth.

You will need to be accepting of yourself as you are and value your own needs and well-being to change these people pleasing patterns. 95% of our decisions are made from our feelings so of course what feels difficult to do, will be especially if you feel validated or accepted. Pushing against your feelings isn’t a natural way for us to act, however, by pushing into our uncomfortable zone to make empowering change is what will give you the most joy. That’s the 5% of decisions that lead you to 95% of choices that feel good because you will have challenged your mind and body to be on the right path.